So, the real reason I wanted to write was about my adventure last night. Last year I sort of promised myself that this fall would be the "debut" of Kira out in the real world, since I've never been out before. Well, to keep that promise, I have to get over the intense fear I have of going out dressed, and being obviously a boy dressed as a girl. So, I have a two pronged attack for getting over that fear - making sure I look as much like a girl as I can, and just get the heck out there and get over it! Last night I did just that. After I did my pictures, I changed into a more suitable outfit - black tight pants, black/blue floral wrap top, chunky loafers - and gathered myself to go. I packed my little backpack purse with the essentials - wallet with cash & credit card & license, hairbrush, powder, lipstick, mascara - grabbed my keys and out I went. I needed gas for my Jeep, so I figured a good first step would be filling up at a local station. This means I'm "outside" but I don't have to talk to anyone. So, off to the local Mobil I went. I pulled up to the pumps and was totally nervous! So, I brushed my hair, took a deep breath and got out of the Jeep. Maybe Speedpass was invented for girls like me, because it meant I could just get gas and get the heck out of there. It was about 9pm last night, and no one else was at the station. There was a guy in the shop, but I never looked at him, so I doubt he could have guessed anything.

All fueled up and fresh off my victory at the gas station, I decided to push myself to go inside somewhere and buy a SoBe. This, of course, means I'll be seen up close and I would probably have to talk, or at least say "Thanks" or "Good night". Anyway, there's a little convienence store near where I live that is basically always empty, so I decided that would be my target. I parked in front, and fighting the butterflies, I got out of the Jeep and walked a little ways up the sidewalk into the shop. My plan was to just walk in, get my drink, and get out but it didn't go quite the way I planned. As soon as I got inside, the guy working behind the counter called out "Evening" to me as I walked down the aisle to the cooler in the back. My heart was racing but I tried to be calm, and I turned and looked at him as I kept walking and said "Hi". I picked out my bottle of SoBe (Power, by the way. Drive is my favorite, but they didn't have it) and walked up to the counter. I looked entirely at the floor the whole time, and then put the bottle on the counter. "Anything else", the guy asked. I'm sure my voice totally cracked as I said "That'll do it." I don't know how noticeable my shaking hands were as I got $2 out of my wallet, and handed it over. I got some change back, and as I had thought about in the Jeep on the way over, I unzipped the little change section of my wallet, and put the change in. Now, I had to think about this ahead of time, because as a boy, I would just shove the change in my pocket and move on, but I didn't think that was very girly, so I needed an alternative. Now that I was all paid up, I got a little braver and looked up at the counter guy and said "Thanks", grabbed the SoBe and headed out. I might always remember the way the guy was looking at me, over the top of his glasses, maybe trying to figure out if I was really a girl or not. I fumbled a little with everything in my hands - keys, SoBe, wallet, backpack - as I walked out, and I wondered if a real girl would take the time to put the wallet away and put the pack on her shoulder before leaving. Probably, but I was just thinking "get out" at that point.

I manged to make it out of the store and into my Jeep without tripping and falling or anything, so in retrospect I consider the whole thing a success. I'm thinking about going out to a club next weekend (yikes!), so at least I had a little preparation. Hopefully my next time out wont be as nerve-wracking. I'm sorry if I sound silly going on about this, but maybe you can understand.

Until the next time...

XO -- Kira